Get all 5 Toiley T. Paper releases available on Bandcamp and save 20%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of A Very Public Domain Christmas, Christmas By Myself, Summer Beach Party, A Very Toiley Christmas, and Roll Model.
1. |
Intro
00:26
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2. |
Toiley (Holida Version)
00:51
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Who’s coming down your chimney this Christmas
On a roll and not on a sleigh
He’ll be on hand to light your Menorah,
Everyone knows it’s Toiley
And Toiley’s a holiday guy
He can make reindeer fly,
Make potato pancakes fry.
He’s on a roll
Toiley:
I’m on a roll!
Who’s the most merry in all of Hollywood.
Ready to roast some chestnuts, right now
Who’s on the top of the naughty and nice lists
Everyone knows it’s Toiley
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3. |
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4. |
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I really can't stay - Get out of here bitch.
I've got to go away - Get out of here bitch.
This evening has been – I tried to move in
So very nice – You cut off my dick where’d you get that knife?
My mother will start to worry – Call an ambulance, please hurry.
Father will be pacing the floor – The blood is really starting to pour.
So really I'd better scurry – Vision’s starting to go blurry.
Maybe just a half a drink more – You’re standing on a testicle you whore.
The neighbors might think – Hand me that towel right there.
Say, what's in this drink? – No the one right over there.
I wish I knew how – You’re just sitting there laughing now.
To break this spell – If you don’t get out I’ll start to yell.
I ought to say no, no, no - Please just call the cops
At least I'm gonna say that I tried – The dog’s got my dick in his chops.
I really can't stay – Get out of here bitch..
Baby, it's cold outside
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5. |
Pastey Is Depressed
00:50
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6. |
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It's the most depressing time of the year
With the kids jingle belling
And everyone telling you be of good cheer
It's the most depressing time of the year
It's the hap-happiest season of all
With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings
When friends come to call
It's the hap-happiest season of all
There'll be parties for hosting
Marshmallows for toasting
And caroling out in the snow
There'll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago
It's the most depressing time of the year
There'll be much mistltoeing
And hearts will be glowing
When loved ones are near
It's the most depressing time of the year
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7. |
Pastey Feels Better
01:57
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8. |
Sleigh Ride
00:50
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9. |
Toiley Returns
02:04
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10. |
We Can Get Along
02:43
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TOILEY: In my holiday, we celebrate the birth of a baby boy, who filled the world up with all of his love and joy.
JOHN: And in my holiday, we celebrate the festival of the lights. In honor of the god who saw us through the dark of night.
BOTH: Both holidays are all about the love
and getting along when push comes to shove.
No matter what you celebrate,
we're going to tell you this,
we can get along ...
TOILEY: ... As long as you celebrate Christmas.
JOHN: (AD LIB)
TOILEY: We had to make it rhyme, John.
TOILEY: In your holiday, you give thanks to the Macabees.
JOHN: And in your holiday, you put up your Christmas trees.
TOILEY: In your holiday, you reverently light the menorah.
JOHN: And in your holiday, all the matters is how many presents there are for ya.
BOTH: This time of year,
let's put our differences aside
and celebrate the holidays
with a sense of pride.
JOHN: I'll see what it's like to celebrate Christmas with you.
TOILEY: And I will go ahead and celebrate Christmas too.
JOHN: What?
BOTH: Both holidays are all about the love.
and getting along when push comes to shove
No matter what you celebrate,
we're going to tell you this.
We can get along ...
TOILEY: As long as you celebrate Christmas.
JOHN: I don't know about this song. I don't think it's going to work very well.
TOILEY: Don't worry, John, everyone at the church is going to love it.
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11. |
Toiley The Songwriter
01:05
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12. |
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It was 9:00 on Christmas Eve And I knew that I had to _______
I had to get home from the bar But my house wasn’t very ______
As I drove along in my truck,
I saw a girl that I wanted to ______
She made my heart start throwing fits When I saw her great big ______
I checked her out from back to front, I knew I had to see her _____
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13. |
Garbage Language
00:39
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14. |
Loofah Arrives
01:45
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15. |
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Raindrops on roses
And whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my stripper names
Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells
And schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my stripper names
When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my stripper names And then I don't feel so bad
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16. |
Painting A Picture
01:39
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17. |
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Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
From now on your troubles will be out of sight
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the Yuletide gay
From now on your troubles will be miles away
Here we are as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more
Through the years we all will be together
If the fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bow
So have yourself a merry little Christmas
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18. |
Plungy Arrives
01:19
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19. |
Silent Night
01:03
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Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon Virgin, Mother, Mother and Child
Holy infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace
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Toiley T. Paper Los Angeles, California
As seen on America's Got Talent and TikTok! It's international celebrity, Toiley T. Paper! America's favorite talking (and now singing) roll of toilet paper!
